he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
