I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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