I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
