So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
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Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
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6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Text me some of your sweat
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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