Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
