He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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