your parents love me but you hate me
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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