You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
