he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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