the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
