Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
