Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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