def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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