new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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