This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
