we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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