I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
