Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
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You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
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I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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