Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
