I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize