I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
