I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
