I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
