On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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