birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
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Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
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You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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