btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
