Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
