I think I am morally bankrupt
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Let's get the cat blown out
Randomize
