apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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