Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
