dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
