I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
