I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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