How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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