dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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