Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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