he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
