I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
