i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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