I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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