a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
