I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
