if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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