If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
