I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
