Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
