apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I am one with the molecules
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
