too bad you live with your parents still
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
