true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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