you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
