remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
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I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
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Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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