you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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