Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
