there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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