i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
