I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Randomize
