You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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