Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
false alarm, still single
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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