I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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