and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
