you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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