If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
