That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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